Dealing With Manipulation

Photo cred: Wikihow

{Manipulation: Using your behavior to change someone else, without considering their feelings.}

The first step to dealing with manipulation, is being able to recognize when you are being manipulated. Good manipulators expertly hide their ulterior motives, and the best ones will actually make you think that you'll benefit from following their lead. All of this padding is likely to pull the wool over your eyes - so we're going to give you the heads up.

Here are 5 types of manipulative strategies, and how to avoid giving into them:

(1) Just one more minute
If iPad time ends in 10 minutes, it ends in 10 minutes. If your child has been told that they can watch one more TV show, it means one more TV show. Extending time limits on the child's terms will lead to continual manipulative strategies surrounding time boundaries. Many adults think that they earn a child's trust by following through with only positive reinforcements - when in fact - adults should follow through on every word they say. There's a time and place for flexibility, but if you want children to listen to you, make consistency your goal.

(2) Huh? What? 
Children who have a tendency to manipulate seem to ask a lot of questions. Why? Because questions illicit a response from you. Answering these questions gives the child control over your actions, stopping you from being productive with anything else. The questions they ask will often be things that they know already - further driving home the fact that your answers are purely futile. Firstly, learn to recognize real curiosity from attempts to manipulate. Teacher/Parent communication should be frequent, and the child should be aware that all the adults in their life are on the same page. Secondly, don't engage in excessive questioning or "playing dumb." State to the child that you will talk to them when they are finished doing what they are supposed to do. Then ignore the questions.

(3) I can't do this
If a child needs help, coach them to ask for help. If the child is prone to using manipulative strategies, there is a chance that they know how to do the work, and are using an excuse to monopolize your time. Obviously we all want to give our kids the quality time they need for a healthy relationship, and you can give this time unconditionally, in ways such as; bedtime stories, coffee dates or building models together. Empower your child to say, "I need help," rather than giving into the learned helplessness of, "I can't do this."

(4) Can I tell you something?
When it comes to nonpreferred activities, every kid has a story (or twenty) to tell. Let's be honest - they are telling you stories because they are procrastinating. You can kindly say, "I'd love to hear all of your stories when you're done!" If you start listening to the stories, the homework will never get done. Also, the child will learn that they can manipulate your time and your expectations.

(5) You are just trying to be mean 
"You are mean,""You are the worst Mom ever," "You are being unfair,""You make my life worse," etc. The list goes on and on. Some children think that nice parents and teachers are the ones with no rules. If having an expectation of your child makes you mean - then let's all be mean! Looking at the big picture, you are being kind when you make firm boundaries. Don't be sucked in to the guilt trip. If your child can make you feel guilty, you're more likely to give them what they want. If you need to, start a journal that outlines parenting choices you've made and why you've made those choices. When you feel guilty, go back and review your actions. Be confident in your approach, and ask for help where you need it.

Parents Guide to Surviving Summer

Summer might be a child's favorite time of year, but for parents, it can be quite the challenge! What to do with your kids for almost three months? If your children attend camp, you might not find too much change in yours (or their) schedule. If they're home with you all day, you might need a helping hand. 

(1) Projects 

Encourage your kids to start something big! An art project can come from something as small as boxes from your recycling bin. A huge piece of paper can become a week-long poster project, or a backdrop for a play. What activity can entertain your child's creativity for days on end? The best projects are low cost, child-led, encourage cooperation, upcycle items around the home and consume your child's attention in the best way possible. 

(2) TV is OK!

When you are faced with nonstop kid-time, don't feel bad about some TV time. A movie a day might get you through the difficult times, and spark interests in your child that weren't there before. 

(3) Playgrounds

Get out and play! Kids learn so much by playing. They learn how to navigate social environments, they learn about personal safety and they learn how the world works. Step back as much as possible and allow them to lead their own play time. Supervision is important to ensure that they are playing fun and fair games, but try waiting to see if the kids can figure out their own problems before automatically stepping in. 

(4) Free activities 

Search the internet for ideas! Your local library might also have some great community activities for free. Take advantage of them. 

(5) Play dates

Summer is a great time to facilitate playdates with your child's peers. Keeping up their social involvement is imperative to creating a successful thread between summer and the school year. 

(6) Babysitting trades

Do you know someone who will take your kids for a day, in return for you taking their kids for a day? Maybe you could cover each other's date nights? This is a creative way to have your children taken care of, without the exchange of money. 

(7) Time apart 
Give yourselves a break from one another! Whether you're in the same house doing different things, or able to create a little more distance - absence makes the heart grow fonder.

(8) Establish a routine 
For a lot of people, routine = sanity. Most kids on the Autism spectrum appreciate a reliable routine, allowing them to know what to expect from the days ahead.

(9) Calendar for summer 
Post calendars of the months of June, July and August on a wall where the kids can see. Mark dates on the calendar, such as; vacations, summer camp dates, sleepovers, playdates and first day back to school. Talk about the calendar, use it to help keep you all sane.

(10) Embrace the chaos 
Summer is crazy. It's going to be crazy. Nothing will feel settled until September.

Embrace it. 

5 Types of Social Skill Problems

Difficulty with social skills can cause pervasive problems in a child's development. When parents and teachers are able to identify these areas of concern, and provide appropriate behavioral modifications, children have a better chance of forming a lifestyle of healthy social connections.

(1) Difficulty understanding social cues
Typically developing children automatically take hints from the people around them. They notice facial expressions, body language and verbal nuances. When social understanding is delayed, a child's behavior around their peers can appear very unexpected. Others may exclude the child for saying or doing unusual things, or they could become the butt of a classroom joke without even realizing.

How we can help: Adults can be an external social coach. Point out what is happening for the child, since it is not automatic for them. Be the running commentary on people's facial expressions, their body language and social dynamics. Create connections between what we see and what we hear, then help them create a plan for what to do next.

(2) Shyness
Not everyone thrives in a crowd; yet most people yearn for connection. We all need to learn to function in groups, but choose your battles when it comes to your expectations for a child with debilitating shyness. Being shy is a type of social anxiety that may present as refusing to speak or participate in groups.

How we can help: Decide when it is important for the child to participate, then scaffold the path to group participation - don't expect too much too soon. Use sentence starters, then have the child finish saying what is on their mind. Encourage the child to use their voice to advocate for themselves, as this is a vital lifeskill. Start sentences with, "I need," or, "I want." Teach the child that their voice counts and they can be heard.

(3) Social dominance 
We don't often notice that the so called popular kids actually have a social skill problem. Masked behind charisma that has their peers following them like the Pied Piper, is a hurting child with low self esteem. This child is most comfortable being the boss, because allowing others to make choices terrifies them. The most socially dominating children will draw their peers close, only to push them away. They will be top dog on the playground, and seem to be the only child allowed to make the rules. For peers, standing up to this kid is social suicide.

How we can help: Adults can remove the idea that this child is the boss. Anxiety and control are closely linked; taking the power away from the child makes way for trust. If the child can't trust adults, they will have a hard time trusting anyone in any relationship going forward. Provide opportunities to show that the child can trust you, by following through with your word. It is also important to equip the child's peers with self advocacy skills. If the entire social dynamic of a classroom hinges on this one student, you will need a class-wide approach to healthy relationships.

(4) Perspective taking 
Put yourself in their shoes is a very abstract piece of advice - especially to those on the Autism Spectrum. These kids are likely to literally wear the other person's shoes and report that they fit differently. How would you like it if that happened to you? This is a more concrete question. Some children have a very hard time being able to know how their actions effect others. These are the kinds of kids who will ask someone not to do something, then go ahead and do it themselves.

How we can help: Firstly, take away your emotional response. If a child is delayed in this area, your being frustrated or angry at them for their actions isn't going to help. Be rational, be honest - but keep your cool. Even if you feel like your explanation of the situation is going in one ear and out the other, keep looking for creative ways to express the idea of perspective taking. This might be through role play, watching a short video on the topic or having a facilitated conversation with a peer.

(5) Defiance 
Whatever you say, they do the opposite. You walk, they run. You need to leave the house, they hide under the couch. When a child doesn't listen to your instructions, it's not only disrespectful - it's a safety issue. You will feel as though you're talking to a brick wall.

How we can help: Sharpen your communication strategies and have a consequence ready. Give an instruction once, if no response,  repeat it after allowing 10 seconds processing time. On the third time, give the instruction at eye level (where possible) and have the child repeat back the expectation. Give a time bound consequence that you know will effect the child. Eliminate the need for repeating yourself by following through with every word you say.

If you find yourself at the end of your rope with a child who needs some social help, visit our website at www. kahlonfamilyservices.com

Things We Learned From Dogs

Over the last few years, we have had various dogs involved in our work with Bay Area children who have special needs. Time and time again, we have seen these dogs teach us things that we could have never taught by ourselves. The unpredictable nature of dogs gives rise to countless lessons learned, and we would like to share a few with you.

(1) Doesn't matter what you think, you're never really in control 
Most of us find some degree of comfort in having control over how situations pan out. This  kind of control may be realistic if you live as a hermit on a mountaintop, but since we live with others, we soon learn that isn't possible. Life with dogs never fails to show us that the unpredictable will happen, and we will learn to adapt when the moment comes.

(2) It's OK to let someone else choose 
It feels safe to call the shots, whereas letting others choose exposes us to vulnerability. We once had an entire session with an 11yr old boy, where we took the dog for a walk and let him choose which direction to go. The boy was nervous at first, as he struggles with mental flexibility, but soon embraced the excitement and adventure that comes with following someone else's lead.

(3) We make rules for safety 
Should we let the dog off his leash and let him do what he likes? No! Unless the dog knows how to behave off-leash, that's a terrible idea. The children soon learn that they need to provide the dog with boundaries to keep him safe. They find themselves having to talk sternly, so the dog knows they're serious. They balance it out with encouragements and positive reinforcements - finding themselves in the position of a parent, teacher or caregiver.

(4) We all do awkward things, we all need a second chance
Once we were walking a dog and he ate some poop off the sidewalk. The child was so grossed out, and with good reason! Instead of overreacting and never speaking to the dog again, we talked about forgiveness. The kind of children that we work with often find themselves in awkward situations, where peers may have had "weird" thoughts about their unexpected behaviors. We have learned that relationships require the ability to forgive and move forward.

(5) Connection comes in all shapes and sizes 
Most people on the Autism Spectrum have a hard time connecting with other people, yet crave connection in general. We have seen children with Autism make eye contact and snuggle with a dog, when doing so with humans would be way to difficult. Dogs can help those of us who need an entry point to safe connections with other living beings.

Summer Camp is coming!

We are excited to announce that the KFS Summer camp is just around the corner! This year we will be offering both Lower and Upper Elementary camps.   This camp will be individualized to meet your children exactly where they’re ‘at’ in life. Both groups will be packed with activity, adventure and the unique personal growth that comes from learning to be part of a group.

The camp will focus on the experiences our children need to navigate life at their level. We focus on school recess skills, as well as developing ways to be an active participant in the classroom. For some children, we pay attention to the physical activity component of recess games, whereas for others, we focus on keeping recess games fun and fair. KFS Summer Camp is fully devoted to customizing each camp to the needs of the children who attend.

Through a range of activities, such as; cooking, crafts, grocery shopping, hiking, animal care and imaginative play, we work on developing life skills. Learning how to take turns, stop something when they’re asked, take care of others, advocate for themselves and learning tools for self regulation are all part of what we set out to achieve.

A typical day of KFS Summer Camp includes;

• 9am Arrival and social time
• 9:10am Yoga

Relaxation and breathing, followed by YEAS Yoga practice aimed at developing awareness of the body/mind connection.

• 9:30am Morning Meeting

Discuss the schedule, icebreaker activities, general “check in.”

• 10am Physical Activity/Recess Skills

Basics of soccer, foursquare, tag etc. at Lake Park.

• 11:30am Prepare for lunch

Campers set the table and prepare to eat as a group.

• 12 noon Eat lunch together

Lunch is about socially engaging around the table. All campers and leaders remain at the table for the full half hour, learning to wait, make polite conversation and participate in a group plan.

• 12:30pm Rest Time/Read Aloud

Kids have a chance to recuperate from the busy morning by listening to a story. Leaders ask comprehension questions and encourage open discussion on the themes of the book. All books are chosen to be relevant to the behavioral needs of the campers.

• 1pm Activity

E.g. Cafe day: campers take $5 to a cafe and have to figure out what they can buy within their budget. They are expected to look the cashier in the eye and politely ask for what they want.

• 2:30pm Yoga/Breathing
• 2:45pm Closing Circle

A chance for kids to express the highlights, lowlights and lessons learned during the day.

This schedule is just an outline, every day is slightly different. One day per week, we run a cooking class - giving the kids a chance to see a recipe through from idea to completion. They vote on what to make, then create a shopping list and we go to the grocery store as a team. After finding the ingredients, they make the meal in the kitchen and serve it to each other. We also typically have a beach day, where we learn the skills of taking public transit and the time management to fit our activities in within our schedule. Oh - did we forget to mention sandcastles? Beach day is a great time to throw off all this serious business and have some fun!

We know that summer for the kids doesn’t always mean summer for the parents so we are offering extended care until 6pm.