Friday, September 26, 2014

A Brand New Day


When you feel like your child is driving you to the brink  of insanity, take a breath. This will pass. This week we want to remind you that you're parenting the whole child, a reality that is glaringly obvious, yet so easy to forget. Your job is not to be a "perfect parent," because those do not exist. Your job is to do the best you can.

We believe that no matter what has happened the day before, each day is made new. If your child has behaved in a way that has made it hard for you to forgive, make a conscious choice to move on and start each day fresh. Genuine forgiveness is a process, and depending on the situation, it may take some time to get there. In the meantime, make the choice to move beyond.

If you're wondering how to make forgiveness part of your family's culture, we have some tips to strengthening that area of your life.

(1) Deal with it openly, in the moment

When something happens, deal with it then and there. If your child is delayed in empathy development, or has a hard time knowing what others are thinking, label your emotions and theirs. For example, "I felt very angry that you decided to do that," or "When you ran away from me, I yelled at you because I felt scared that I might lose you." You can label your child's emotion, while modeling an empathic response, "You were sad when you didn't get what you wanted. I know you were sad, I saw you crying. I am sorry that you felt so sad."

(2) Allow consequences
Depending on what has happened, there will be consequences. Some of our best parenting moves come from allowing natural consequences to do their thing, because this is how our children learn about the world. If you ask your child 10 times to come away from the water's edge, and they don't listen, they may fall in. If they fall, your child will have to be live with the uncomfortable consequences of wet clothes. Next time your child is near water, they'll have learned to stand back.

(3) Don't bring it up again 
You will need to pre-decide that you will not throw past offenses back in your child's face. It can be so tempting in those moments of frustration, where your child is pushing you to the edge. You want to say, "What about when-" but we challenge you to bite your tongue. Today is a new day. If what your child has done is still offending you long after the fact, ask yourself if the event has triggered anything that has more to do with your past, rather than your child's present.

(4) Model humility and apology
Forgiveness isn't just about you extending a hand to your child. You will make mistakes, and say things which you wish had never come out of your mouth. When you feel as though your actions have crossed the line, model what it looks like to "make it right." An apology of action is when you do something to apologize, rather than just saying "sorry." How can you apologize with an action?

(5) Every day is a new day
If you're brave enough, make this a family value. It's obviously easier said than done, but this way of living will promote timely conflict resolution, emotional health and longevity of relationships. Practicing forgiveness with your spouse will protect your marriage from crumbling over a mountain of cumulated offenses and strengthen your communication.

Today is a brand new day. 

Wednesday, September 17, 2014

Pursuing a Relationship with your Child



Being a parent is a busy job. Between keeping up with the logistics of your household, endless appointments and holding down a job - you've got a lot on your plate. Getting to know your children, on a deeper level, doesn't just happen by osmosis. If you're having trouble connecting with your kids, we have some tips to help you pursue the relationship.

(1) Kids spell love "T-I-M-E"
You may not think that you can do much with that 15 minute drive from school to ballet. We think you can! Put down your phone, that call can wait. Most kids are really tired after school, so they may not want to talk about their day straight away. Ask one specific, open question about their day, such as; "Who did you spend recess with?", "What did you learn in math today?", or "What kind of books did you borrow from the library today?" You'll soon gauge if they're ready to talk, or just need you to be present with them.

(2) Meet them where they're at
This one uses some intuition - find the best way to connect, for that child, for that moment. Spending time with your kids should be something that is both planned and spontaneous. When you're planning individual time with a child, think beyond what you would like to do, and how you can do something that you both enjoy. If your child isn't a big talker, a "coffee date" might not work. Tasks like rollerskating, going to the movies or shopping for something the child needs, could be more successful.

(3) Pursue, don't force
If your child doesn't like to be physically affectionate, don't push it. That may be hard for you, but remember that relationships are a two-way street. Each person has a way of expressing and receiving love, and you may be surprised to find your child rolls differently than you. Spend some time thinking about what your child's 'love language' may be, and come at your relationship from that angle.

(4) Use key times 
Driving in the car, at the dinner table and just before bed are usually the best times for parents to ask the big questions. Listen for what's going on socially for your child, the way in which they talk about themselves and others, and what their current interests are. You are not simply your child's friend - whether or not they'll admit it - they need your guidance. Listen first, then guide.

(5) Reward with experiences
If you're working on a behavior chart with a cumulative reward, we encourage families to give an experience as a reward. The best kinds of experiences are ones that bring mutual joy to both parents and children, as they will ultimately bring your family closer together. Try ditching that lego set or Barbie as motivation, and focus on how to build a strong family unit. Go out for ice cream together if the chart is full - go rock climbing, take a parent-child hike, go Build-a-Bear! Just do it together. 

Friday, September 12, 2014

The Special Needs Parent's Guide to Babysitters



It's no secret that families with children who have special needs tend to go through babysitters pretty quickly. We have come up with a list of ways that may help you find and keep the perfect sitter.

(1) Be Honest
If you have neglected to notify the babysitter of your child's differences, don't be surprised when they run for the hills. Maybe this babysitter knows nothing about special needs, maybe they are not suited to care for your child and maybe, just maybe, the babysitter needed some forewarning. This does not include saying, "By the way - he has Autism!" as you're leaving the house. Yes, this actually happens!

(2) Be Safe
You wouldn't believe how quickly some parents will leave their child with a virtual stranger. Meet the babysitter in advance, talk about their past experiences with special needs and take a picture of their driver's license. It may seem over-the-top, but your children's lives are in this person's hands!

(3) Be Considerate 
Most parents take around 10-15 minutes to leave the house once a babysitter arrives. This is the usual length of time to finish up getting ready, and prep the babysitter with everything he or she needs to know. Making your goodbyes exorbitantly long, or hanging around the house longer than 15 minutes will make the babysitter's job ten times harder. After saying a genuine goodbye, please leave the house. A quality babysitter will provide comfort to a crying child, and reassurance that you love them and will eventually return.

(4) Be Prepared
Don't expect a babysitter to prepare an elaborate meal for your kids. If you would like your child to eat something fancier than Mac 'n Cheese or pizza, make it yourself and leave it for the babysitter to reheat. Lay out the child's clothes, diapers or PJs, so the sitter doesn't have to rifle through drawers trying to find what they need. Having done this in advance, you'll be able to leave the house quickly when the time comes.

(5) Be Exceptional 
Babysitters will return to families whose children they enjoy, houses where they feel welcome and parents who pay well. In San Francisco, the cost of living is high, so expect to pay upwards of $15 an hour for a regular babysitter - more for respite specialists. Make sure you leave a meal for your babysitter, unless they have told you that they would prefer to bring their own food. Even so, a sneaky chocolate bar for when the kids go to bed should win the heart of any self-respecting babysitter! Have your children draw your babysitter a picture, or make a thank you card - do whatever it takes to show your babysitter you appreciate them!

You can't change your child's special needs, but you can change your own behavior when it comes to keeping a babysitter. If this has been your battle, hopefully these tips will help change your babysitting journey for the better.


Wednesday, September 3, 2014

Bedtime Battles


How can you make bedtime less of a battle? Despite the sleep problems which may make it hard for your child to fall and stay asleep, you can do your part to make bedtime a breeze.

(1) Routine
When we are consulting with parents whose children are up until "all hours", they are often surprised that their kids can be in bed a whole lot earlier than they expect. Children on the Autism Spectrum will thrive on routine, and it is our belief that most kids are more successful when they have an expectation of what is coming next. Because we don't fall asleep the minute our heads touch the pillow, the pre-bedtime routine is important for calming bodies and preparing for sleep.

An example routine for a child under 8 may be:

6pm - Dinner
6:20pm - Bath/Shower
6:30pm - Brush teeth, bathroom, PJs
6:35pm - Bedtime stories with a parent (in bed)
6:55pm - "Goodnight"
7pm - Lights Out

(2) Environment
If your child has a hard time sleeping, do your best to make the bedroom a place for sleep only. Put all toys in another room, and use lamplight only from the time the child has his PJs on. Light-blocking curtains are highly recommended for kids struggling with sleep. Essential oils can help to fragrance the room with calming scents, but may not always be welcomed by sensory sensitive kids. When the lights go out, a white-noise machine, fan or calming music can help to send your child to sleep.

(3) Expectations
While having compassion for your child's genuine sleep problems, do you have a realistic expectation for bedtime? Is it OK for your child to come out of his/her room after lights out? Is crawling into your bed at 3am a viable option? Is asking for a sandwich 10 minutes after lights-out something you'd be OK with? We're not asking you to be inflexible, but we're asking you to think of what usually happens at bedtime and set some expectations for your kids.

(4) Toolkit
Now that you have expectations, let's equip your children with a "toolkit" that they can use when sleep does not come easily. Yoga is a great way to prepare your body for sleep - get your body into poses where your head is below your heart for a boost of relaxation. Teaching your child deep breathing methods will also help send them to sleep. Don't assume that your child knows what "deep breathing" means, because this is a skill that h as to be taught. Playing guided meditation can also be very effective in keeping your kids' heads on their pillows.

(5) Plan
Sit down with your child and make a plan regarding what happens if they don't fall asleep quickly - or wake up in the night. First, do you have a set amount of time where they must actively lay in bed before coming out to you? A digital clock may give you some support, if your child is old enough to recognize the numbers. You could ask that he/she lay in bed until at least 30min-1hr after the time that the lights have been turned out. You could explicitly teach your child items from the "toolkit" or talk about how you fall asleep.

We hope that making  a plan for bedtime will help you and your family tackle these frustrations head-on. Sweet dreams!